A Scattered Soliloquy for Mother's Day.

I learned something recently;
           Did you know that the celebration of a 'Mother's day' in the U.S. was pioneered by a woman who died alone,  with no children of her own? Her name was Anna Marie Jarvis, and a quick google search will bring several results describing her life and mission to create a national day to recognize mothers. You can read about it all here and here.
The interesting part was not that she was never a mother herself, but that she wanted to honor her own mother. A woman who had mothered twelve children herself and had subsequently lost eight of them to illness and other tragedies.

Whenever mother's day rolls around each year the controversy stirs up. We should all honor and respect our mother's and those of us who have delivered/adopted children are theoretically supposed to be honored ourselves. But what makes a "mother"? What of those on the outside looking in? The ones grieving the children they can't have, or worse, have had and lost? There is no word in the English language for a mother who has lost a child. It is too horrible a thing to even name.

Let me tell you a story:
Nearly two years ago, when I was about nine weeks pregnant with my third child, I found out that a friend of mine who was nearly full term with HER third baby had discovered that her baby had passed away in the womb. She had to go in and deliver her stillborn baby and plan her funeral. I still hadn't announced publicly that I was expecting again when I received the phone call asking if I would lead the music and sing a song at the funeral for the baby girl.  I remember standing up there, singing the words to "families can be together forever" and focusing on staying in tune without choking up. It was very challenging. I couldn't look at the face of my sweet friend who sat, surrounded by her family, hoping that the words to that song might lift and comfort her even a tiny bit.
The truth was that,  I could not fully understand her pain. I imagine it must have been absolute agony. It caused me to really sit and think about how truly fortunate I was to have my own two, beautiful, healthy, children, and the little life that was inside me, who turned out to be my sweet, number three.

Over the years I have known so many dear women who struggled with the loss of their own children, and those who struggled and even battled mightily with infertility and miscarriages. Mother's day for them, is a dark day. A day for society to rub salt and lemon juice into open, un-healing wounds. I have lost count of the friends and loved ones that I know who have had the misfortune to suffer these injustices of nature. It is far beyond "unfair" and my heart breaks for each of my friends and loved ones who suffer (often silently) each day, and who will undoubtedly  hurt this coming Sunday.

And then of course, on the other hand...

Mother's day has become something of a cynics dream over the years. A holiday seemingly designed to keep greeting card companies, florists and the trinket-laden gift shops in business. Tents go up in the parking lots of grocery stores. Merchants ready to profit off of the procrastinating, slacker children who have forgotten that sunday is 'Mother's day'. 

And then if you DO forget or skim through mother's day, you are a terrible child!

I will be the first to admit that I am not very good at Mother's day. I am sure I did a few things over the years for my mother, and I will post the obligatory picture of my mother on Social media to make sure people know that I have a mom, and that I love her. (And of course, I do. My mom is a rockstar who deserves every, single accolade I can come up with for her and then some!)

Pictured above: a Rockstar.

The thing is, I  try tell my mom I love her every time I talk to her. I try to do special little things for her whenever I can. I love the idea of doing some big, grand thing for mom on mothers day, but more often than not, I am not able to do much at all, which of course, makes me look and feel like an awful kid.

This year my life feels a bit like that scene in "Twister" where they are in the shed, strapped to some pipes with belts, riding out a massive tornado and just holding on for dear life. Except that the "tornado" is lasting several weeks. We recently started the process of moving back to Houston from Greendale Wisconsin. We are technically back in the Motherland (Texas) but I can't say we are officially "moved back" yet because we don't technically have a place to live yet due to some obnoxious catch 22 with Rob's job. All our things are still packed in a U-Pack trailer, waiting in a facility somewhere in Houston until we have an address to send it to. (And no, we don't know when that will be...)  Fortunately we have my parents house to ride out the storm until we can find a place of our own, but that doesn't completely erase the feeling of extreme displacement and stress over the whole dumb, stupid, annoying, frustrating, stressful, exhausting situation.... 

(Can you tell I am handling it really well? Cool as a cucumber, thats me!)

I honestly forgot until just a day or two ago (when my weekend was already booked up with 'stuff' we need to do) that Mother's day was this Sunday! So here is my tribute for mother's day this weekend:

For my mom, Brenda, who really is awesome. Who I've been able to watch these past three weeks while she develops the deep, amazing relationship with my daughter who is now old enough to appreciate her and hearkens me back to the relationship I was able to develop early on with MY grandmother (who is also incredible). Who, despite suffering from, often debilitating depression, is always doing something for someone else. 

For my mom friends, who are in the same position as I am. Taking each day, one at a time. Frustrated with their children each day and yet loving them so fiercely that it is palpable.

For my mom friends who struggle with Mother's day because of infertility, miscarriage, or loss. You are mothers too, if only because of your desire to be so. Don't allow anyone to take that from you! Sunday is for you too!

Happy Mother's day ya'll, and if you see me wandering around aimlessly, with eyes glazed over, it probably means I finally combusted from stress. Just point me towards the nearest corner that I can curl into the fetal position and rock back and forth in.