Here it is:
I want people to think I am pretty, but not conceited.
I have spent most of my life so worried that people will find me 'full of myself' that I tend to lean more towards the realm of self disparagement. However, I have to be careful not to be SO self deprecating that people think I am just another shallow, little girl begging for attention. Especially since I am nearly *gulp* 28 years old....
I spend way too much time trying to balance a desire to have my attractiveness level validated, with my need to appear humble. (and for those of you who live in southeast Texas: the 'H' in that word needs to be pronounced people!)
Nothing challenges this confliction more than the concept of "selfies".
See, here is the thing; I know I have the potential to look attractive, I do. It takes some mild to moderate effort, depending on the day, but it is there. I can be pretty if I want to be. On the days that said effort is put into effect however, the struggle is exacerbated.
"Should I take a picture of myself to document, and seek validation that I am indeed, pretty today?"
This happened just the other day.
I went to the salon and had my split ends trimmed, my layers fixed and so forth. I was happy with the result so I decided to take a picture to have with me to my next trip to the salon so it can be replicated.
This is where the problems began.
I spent an hour and a half doing my hair and makeup put forth some effort to exemplify my appearance, and decided upon looking in the mirror that my reflection was worthy to submit to my various social media's.
I then embarked upon the picture taking process. This challenged my self consciousness further, and sparked a very contentious (and almost violent) conversation with myself:
"Okay, lets get started. I'll go with a basic, pleasant look"
"Meh, nice, but looks forced. Try again"
"Alright maybe just a standard 'smile'?"
"Bloody hell, NO!! Too much! You look creepy! Seriously, you look like you are about to kill someone with a hatchet!"
"Geez, okay! I'll pull it back, maybe turn to the side a bit?"
"I mean...it's not bad, but maybe if you only post the standard 'head and shoulders' views people will think you are using close ups to hide a disgusting body?"
"*sigh*, okay well I can try to get more of me in the shot..."
"Oh great, lets just perpetuate the tacky "bathroom mirror" shot and include ALL the junk on your counter! You can't even see your face very well..."
"...fine, I'll go to a different room."
"You look mad"
"Well yeah! You keep criticizing me!
Better?!"
"What, did you just roll out of bed? get your hair out of your face!"
"....BETTER?"
"OH MY GOSH! You are impossible! It's TOO MUCH! no one needs to see THAT much forehead! And get that condescending smirk off your face!"
" *sigh* ...Getting real tired of your s*** ego..."
"...I'm not even going to start in on all that is wrong with this one. Try again..."
"GAH! This is taking forever! One more try and then I give up!"
"Ahh! Okay see, this works! Now just put an instagram filter on it"
"....Okay, are we good to go?"
"Yep, post it! Now all you have to do is hope that no one calls you out on your own self serving, egocentrism."
"...Thanks for that."
"No problem."
