Here it is:
I want people to think I am pretty, but not conceited.
I have spent most of my life so worried that people will find me 'full of myself' that I tend to lean more towards the realm of self disparagement. However, I have to be careful not to be SO self deprecating that people think I am just another shallow, little girl begging for attention. Especially since I am nearly *gulp* 28 years old....
I spend way too much time trying to balance a desire to have my attractiveness level validated, with my need to appear humble. (and for those of you who live in southeast Texas: the 'H' in that word needs to be pronounced people!)
Nothing challenges this confliction more than the concept of "selfies".
See, here is the thing; I know I have the potential to look attractive, I do. It takes some mild to moderate effort, depending on the day, but it is there. I can be pretty if I want to be. On the days that said effort is put into effect however, the struggle is exacerbated.
"Should I take a picture of myself to document, and seek validation that I am indeed, pretty today?"
This happened just the other day.
I went to the salon and had my split ends trimmed, my layers fixed and so forth. I was happy with the result so I decided to take a picture to have with me to my next trip to the salon so it can be replicated.
This is where the problems began.
I spent an hour and a half doing my hair and makeup put forth some effort to exemplify my appearance, and decided upon looking in the mirror that my reflection was worthy to submit to my various social media's.
I then embarked upon the picture taking process. This challenged my self consciousness further, and sparked a very contentious (and almost violent) conversation with myself:
"Okay, lets get started. I'll go with a basic, pleasant look"
"Meh, nice, but looks forced. Try again"
"Alright maybe just a standard 'smile'?"
"Bloody hell, NO!! Too much! You look creepy! Seriously, you look like you are about to kill someone with a hatchet!"
"Geez, okay! I'll pull it back, maybe turn to the side a bit?"
"I mean...it's not bad, but maybe if you only post the standard 'head and shoulders' views people will think you are using close ups to hide a disgusting body?"
"*sigh*, okay well I can try to get more of me in the shot..."
"Oh great, lets just perpetuate the tacky "bathroom mirror" shot and include ALL the junk on your counter! You can't even see your face very well..."
"...fine, I'll go to a different room."
"You look mad"
"Well yeah! You keep criticizing me!
Better?!"
"What, did you just roll out of bed? get your hair out of your face!"
"....BETTER?"
"OH MY GOSH! You are impossible! It's TOO MUCH! no one needs to see THAT much forehead! And get that condescending smirk off your face!"
" *sigh* ...Getting real tired of your s*** ego..."
"...I'm not even going to start in on all that is wrong with this one. Try again..."
"GAH! This is taking forever! One more try and then I give up!"
"Ahh! Okay see, this works! Now just put an instagram filter on it"
"....Okay, are we good to go?"
"Yep, post it! Now all you have to do is hope that no one calls you out on your own self serving, egocentrism."
"...Thanks for that."
"No problem."
...this. This exactly. This is me. You just described me. I have so many series of "Trying to get it right for facebook" photos in my phone. The photo I posted over the weekend to show off my sloppy bed head? Took probably six tries to get one that looked "casually sloppy but still cute."
ReplyDeleteWow, baby. I had no idea your internal dialogue was so extensive. But I'm a guy, so we can chalk it up to that.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously you should cut yourself some slack. I don't tell you how beautiful you are because you think I'm obligated to, or because I'm more biased than you believe I am. I genuinely and sincerely believe that you are absolutely beautiful. And yes, the term "beauty" I use is accompanied by the fact that you have a beautiful personality, but that's part of it. People that have an ugly personality, regardless of how physically attractive they appear to be, quickly lose that attractiveness because of their personality. So yes, I am biased. But it's because you are such a beautiful person on the inside and out, that it's impossible for me to see anything else but beauty....because you are the epitome of it. And every single picture up there is a testament to your true beauty. Regardless of how you feel you look first thing in the morning, all I see is you and the gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful wife, and mother of my children that you are.
I love you, baby....so very much.
To be honest, and this is in no way intended to be rude or hurtful, what does it matter what other people think of you?!?! You are the only person you HAVE to live with. Husbands can leave (no offence Robert), your children will grow up and move on, friends come and go, parents will eventually pass away, siblings have their own lives to live, but you are the only person that you are with 24/7. So if you can't live with yourself then you do whatever it is that you need to do differently so that you can live with yourself. If someone doesn't like you because they think you're self absorbed what does it matter? If they think you're self absorbed why would you want to be friends with them anyway? If someone doesn't like you because you're not pretty enough then they are the ones who are self absorbed and why would you want to be friends with THEM? In fact why would you want to find approval from someone who is self absorbed?
ReplyDeleteSomething I finally figured out is that our parents had it wrong. All those years of telling us not to be selfish was rubbish. At the end of this life you will be judged on your acts; not on who did or didn't accept you. So forget what others think of you and focus on yourself and what makes you content with yourself. If that's doing service for others simply because that's what makes you happy then do it. If that's looking pretty then do whatever beauty routine you need to satisfy that. But by all means DON'T do those beauty routines to satisfy the ideals of another unforeseen person...even if that person is your husband. HE married YOU! HE chose YOU! If you think that you have to look or be a certain way to keep your husband, you're kidding yourself. He's with you because he wants to be. And that goes for any of your friends as well. Hopefully, they are with you because they want to be with you and not because you look a certain way but because they enjoy what they receive from being friends with you, the person that you are, the person that God created.
Yup, I get it. I think most girls do. There's this one picture of Sakura with a funny lens effect, and she hates it! It makes her look terrible, and even at 5 she would grimace whenever she saw it and ask me to delete it. We keep it, along with the picture after it of me looking like some horrid monster with the same lens, until she can look at it as funny instead of ugly. Hopefully her reaction to herself will change sooner than my reaction to me! Love that you posted all your pics with dialogue. :)
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