The Struggle is Real.

It may come as a surprise to no on that I struggle with a great many things.
The immediate and true response is, "Well yeah, everyone does. So what?"
I know that I am not alone in having challenges in my life, and that those challenges pale in comparison many others. I  try my level best to keep it in mind when another stress-filled "Thing" comes up, adding itself to my metaphorical 'plate'.
           One of the things I struggle with lately is the upkeep of this blog. I love my blog. I was inspired by an incredibly talented writer friend of mine several years ago to begin this blog. I was so entertained by her fabulous ability that I felt compelled to start my own. It made sense, I had always been "that girl" who wrote notes to everyone to communicate when I was feeling something that felt too challenging for me to communicate. Writing it out was a more effective form of self expression for me.
So I began a blog. I love writing in my blog but I have found myself struggling with its upkeep this year, and I don't want to just give it up yet.
           The problem I am encountering is my desire to keep an element of lightheartedness to my post. If you read one of my posts and find yourself laughing at me, or even smiling a little , I consider it a successful entry. Finding the humor in adversity can make it easier to endure.
This past year has found me struggling to find the humor in a seeming onslaught of adversity. I know it is there, and I feel confident that someday, when I am past it, I will be able to make fun of myself and the situations my family has endured, and are currently still in the process of enduring. Right now though, in the thick of it, I find myself unable to summon that particular ability. It is exceedingly frustrating. For a long while now we have been trying to get to that metaphorical "light" at the end of the tunnel, but when we get to the end of the tunnel all we find is an immediate entrance to yet another tunnel! We have been going through a series of "tunnels" for a very long while now.
      When this year began we had been living in Milwaukee for only five months, but had already made the decision to return to Houston as soon as we could find a way to do so. The reasons behind this decision are not easily condensed into this post so I will ask that if anyone finds themselves with a burning desire to learn of our reasons, contact me privately and I'll be happy to elucidate.
            I knew that the process of returning "home" to Texas would be tricky, but I am not sure I could have anticipated the number of obstacles/stressors/struggles that we encountered. One after another they came. Still they come.
They have come from all directions, at varying velocities:

• Finding a job in Texas.
• Finding a place to live in Texas.
• The entire process of packing and moving across the country with three small children and no place to bring the truck full of our worldly belongings. 
• Finding a place to stay because we couldn't secure a place to live until the new job would validate employment, which they wouldn't do until after  the first day on the job.
• Securing a place to live, that would be within our limited budget and also big enough to accommodate a family our size. 
• Waiting for that place to be available to move into.
• Realizing that we simply wouldn't be able to afford it if I didn't acquire gainful employment as well. 
• Balancing full-time motherhood of three amazing, but needy small children, while also trying to be a valuable employee at my job. (and moving into our new/old place at the same time)
• Trying to figure out how to adequately pay a babysitter without completely negating the income I earn while needing the babysitter. 
• Helping my husband endure an exceptionally terrible job that embodies the very definition of "overworked" and "underpaid". 
• Learning that my only living Grandfather is severely ill, requiring my Father to provide nearly all his care. 
• Trying to help and offer support to my Father and other family members caring for my Grandfather, lacking the time to feel like I am adequately contributing.
• A recently, very, stressful work environment brought on by circumstances beyond our control. (This is another one that I will be happy to discuss outside of a social media/public setting, due to the delicate nature of the topic in relation to maintaining my job security i.e. I wont talk about it here in case it gets me fired.)

There are so many other things I want to add to that list, but, despite all appearances to the contrary I am actually trying NOT to throw myself a pity party! I have really just felt so walled in by all my stress for the past year and have desperately needed an outlet to purge it.
     I have always been pretty terrible at asking for help, even when it was clear to me that I needed it. I abhor the idea that I might, in any way, shape or form, be a burden to someone else. Indeed my mission in life is to try to be a reliever, rather than a compounder of burdens on others. Sometimes though, it becomes too much and overwhelms me and I need help, and because I am so awful at soliciting it, I end up gritting my teeth and pushing through on my own. It makes me feel a little better knowing I didn't bother anyone, but still very alone. 

I want to be so stoic. 

I fear I am not, At all. 

If someone out there happens upon this post I want to make a small request. ( I say "happens upon" but I am also honest enough with myself to know that most, if not all those who read this will do so because I will post it to my Facebook)
If I open myself up to you and trust you with one or some of my burdens, please do not admonish me with "At least you have better than..." I am very aware that there are billions upon billions out there who have it MUCH worse than me, that I am LUCKY and BLESSED in comparison. I am not ungrateful for what I have. I am not ignorant to the fact that it could be worse. It could ALWAYS be SO MUCH worse. The problem I struggle with, is that in my life, there are so many instances that by all accounts SHOULDN'T be as difficult as they are.  It stings to be met with a guilt trip when I feel like I have trusted someone with something that is so personal. It makes me feel like not sharing with anyone anymore. 

     I promise I am trying. I am trying to shoulder my burdens with grace. I am exhausted, but I am not going to quit.

    This year is rapidly drawing to a close and for the first time, I am not going to be sorry to leave this year behind me.
      

     I am resolving to "do a little better" in all aspects of my life. To be a little stronger, a little wiser. I am pleading for more patience, wherever I can get it.
      I want to hone my feeble writing ability with this blog as was its original purpose. I promise to find that element of lightness again and incorporate it into future writing. 

As always, but more than ever right now,  'Please Don't judge me too harshly Dear Readers', my patience, my strength, my humility, and my stamina are on trial.

I am weary, but determined, and I guess thats all I can be just now.