Dr. Facebook

There is a lot of complaining going on about what happens on facebook in recent months. Failblog has even dedicated an entire section of its website to facebook fails!
Since I am SUCH a facebook veteran (6 1/2 years kids, 6 1/2 YEARS!) I feel that I can appropriately diagnose and recommend treatment for many of the ailments and diseases that are spreading around facebook like the bloody plague! Just call me Dr. Facebook! (or at the very least, Nurse Practitioner Facebook)

Here are a few of my new contributions to the DSM IV:

Diagnoses: "Severe text-speak syndrome"

• Symptoms: Every status update, or comment posted follows absolutely 0 of the rules of proper grammar nor do they even sound like normal spoken conversation when repeated out loud. Words that everyone who has passed the second grade should know how to spell, are purposefully misspelled. Often when a correction is attempted, it is met with further ignorance.

ex: "OMG y r so many ppl stupid? srsly me n mii bff r liek teh only ppl i no who rnt dum!"

• Treatement: My recommendation is for everyone else to completely ignore these types where all possible. Often it will run its course and the person suffering will grow a few more brain cells, graduate high school, and hopefully, feel intense and severe amounts of shame at EVER writing like that. 

Diagnoses: "Acute Attention Whore-dom" or  AAW!! 

• Symptoms: At least once a day, a status is updated to a vague, often melancholy, and always shamelessly attention seeking update, frequently ending such an update with an ellipsis.  ex: " this is the most terrible thing to have ever happened to me..." When some well meaning person attempts to ask what is wrong, they are usually met with, "I don't want to talk about it..."

• Treatment: My professional recommendation is this: DON'T FREAKING POST IT ON FACEBOOK IF YOU "DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" !!!

Diagnoses: "Obsessive, Compulsive Sharing Syndrome" 

•  Symptoms :  At least every other status update is a 're-share' of some inspirational quote about motherhood/friendship/womanhood/'strong' womanhood/devoted motherhood/having a daughter/having a son/being a strong person/woman/bitch etc. This will often accompany a picture of a cute puppy/kitten/bunny/sunset/rose/beach landscape/blue with pixelated sparkles etc. These people have very little to say of themselves, yet still feel drawn to click "share" whenever they see a picture that somebody else shared recently that they feel applies to them in some way.
• Treatment: In my 'professional' opinion the sufferer should spend some time away from his/her computer, and possibly get outside and see some real life trees to remind themselves that, not every pretty tree has some gag-inducing quote about how 'unique each individual is' plastered over it in monotype corsiva. Perhaps do something that could be used as material for an original status update.

Diagnoses: "Chronic Compulsive Opinion Tourettes"

• Symptoms: Multiple times a week (if not day) this person posts either an original status update, or a link to a blog/article/picture/meme supporting his/her feelings on Atheism/extreme Christianity/Some other severely controversial topic. This person usually accompanies this link to a picture or article with some sarcastic, inflammatory comment towards whichever group they are against. Often they appear to be trying to spark heated arguments, only to eventually explode at everyone.

ex: "F*** all you sheep! You are all f****** idiots!!"

• Treatment: a Rx for Self Restrainex™, with unlimited refills. No generic brand available.

Diagnoses: "Originality Dysfunction Disorder" 

• Symptoms: Multiple times a day, a status is updated with random song lyrics. Occasionally they are put in quotation marks to let people know that they are actually quoting someone. Often however, there is no use of quotations, causing the confused (often older, adults unfamiliar with what is currently playing on the radio)  to ask questions about why you want to "take down dominoes all the time."
• Treatment: If you can't post something original, limit it to once a week, and for gosh sakes use quotation marks!

Diagnoses: "Extreme Over-Reaction Syndrome"

• Symptoms: These people are often simultaneously suffering from CCOT. They find a status update/shared link, that talks about something they disagree with, and proceed to slam the poster either very harshly, or sarcastically, and sometimes both. These people then continue to wait until the original poster responds to their comments and continuously bash and demean them until the original poster either deletes their comments from their page, or un-friends them, or both.
• Treatment: The Self Restrainex™ often works well for sufferers of these types as well. Often the antagonized will feel that retribution in like manner (trolling comments on his/her profile and status updates) are necessary, however this is a mistake, and can often lead to unwanted "facebook wars" which should be avoided at all cost, as they exacerbate nearly all of the symptoms of every facebook illness.

There are many other serious Facebook maladies out there, but these are currently some of the worst.

On second thought, just prescribe everyone some Self Restrainex™ Heaven knows we could all benefit from it!